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Friday, February 4, 2011

Nature Got it All Backwards

I was upstairs dying my hair today and realized something, nature got it all ass backwards. I hate dying my hair. It is a long, messy, stinky process. I don't understand why people who don't have to dye their hair, do. By not having to, I mean people who don't have massive amounts of gray hair at the front of their heads. Who am I kidding, it is probably all gray by now. I just don't know for sure because I've been hiding it for about ten years now. Who knows what color it is now.

It was while I was suffering through this whole process that I realized that nature screwed it all up and I know how to fix it! Or I know how it should be fixed. Don't really know how to go about doing it.

First, infancy, toddler hood and preschool, sorry parents, but that would all stay the same. Nature did get all of that right. When you are just learning about the world and how to walk and all, you should be built closer to the ground. Being totally clueless is a good thing too. It is easier to learn about your world if you have no preconceived notions about it to begin with. I think even elementary school children will stay the same as well. Childhood should be full of laughing, giggling and play. I wouldn't change any of that.

Once you hit junior high, or middle school, which ever way your school district prefers to heard up these horrid children, things would definitely change! First, junior high and high school children would have the body of a fifty year old. All of the aches and pains, the lack of energy, and the gray hair and sags. That's right. Now wait, there are pluses. First, you would also have the wisdom and drive to know that getting a good education is going to benefit you for the rest of your life. You will strive to get that education and since you have the achy body of a fifty year old, sports will not get in the way of that. Now, you sports fans just wait, your time will come. Just not when you are fifteen and should be concentrating on school.

One thing I would not impose on teenage girls, however, is hot flashes. No one deserves those at any age. I think they are the devils work and must be eliminated. What purpose can there be for making a woman wake up sweating every 20 minutes every single night! Only to wake up in between the flashes freezing to death because of the pool of sweat you are sleeping in. What is that?! Is it any wonder we get a little moody.

Now, teenagers having the bodies of fifty year olds all in itself would decrease the rate of teen pregnancy, but I have a better idea for that. An on and off switch. Both men and women would have a reproductive on and off switch. This switch would not be enabled until each person was in a long lasting and permanent relationship. Don't ask me how it would know, I'm not all powerful here, but somehow once people are in a loving, committed, mature, permanent relationship the switches would automatically be enabled. After activation, the couple would have total control over when they started child rearing. They could turn it off for as long as they want between children and turn it off permanently when they are done. The surface population would drop significantly, our natural resources would not be strained beyond the capacity to sustain us. Women, this would mean no monthly periods. An entire industry would be eliminated, sure, but because our teenagers worked hard in school they would replace it with something better.

Twenty year olds would have the bodies of forty year olds. Sorry, kids, but you don't deserve the good bodies. You don't know how to use them. You abuse them and ignore them. You think they will last forever. You are stupid! Now, it could be worse, I could have given you the bodies of seventy year olds, so stop whining. I'm being nice so that you will have a little more energy to run after the toddlers and preschoolers that I chose not to change. You'll still need that. I did however decide to give you a gift. Newborns and toddlers will come with a complete and detailed instruction manual. It will not be in your primary language, which is why you will be so happy that you worked so hard in school as fifty year old teenagers. Inside this manual will be detailed instructions for the proper care and feeding of parents. You are going to need it to be able to chase after those kids.

Thirty year olds, you will pretty much be in the same boat you are now. With one big exception, after being a fifty year old teenager and a forty year old twenty-something you will be thrilled to turn thirty. You will be more energetic, and your teenagers will be hard working fifty year olds. Your stress level will be reduced exponentially. How could your thirties be any better?

Now comes the fun part. Once you hit forty you get the rockin hot body of the twenty-something. That's right, and you get to keep it till you are seventy! Because we had the crappy bodies for 30 years we will appreciate our good bodies and take care of them. Men, you will now be able to play sports for 30 years! Football, basketball, baseball, for 30 years. The thirty years that you deserve to be having fun and playing sports. You won't have to look back fondly at days gone by, you will be able to live it. Women you will be able to play sports, run in a marathon, play tennis and whatever you enjoy also for thirty years. Because you worked so hard and well in your teens, twenties and thirties, you have the money to do what ever you want. Since everyone has the rockin hot bodies, no one has any desire to go looking for a younger mate. You already lived through all of the stress and craziness of raising your family and can now enjoy your mate with youthful abandon. No one is left behind or alone.

Grandparents will have the energy, and financial ability to do everything you want with your grandchildren. Camping, hiking, Disney World, all of the things you would love to do with them. That's why I left children the same as they are now. They are so much fun for grandparents. Grandparents would still get the satisfaction of playing with the grand kids till they are cranky and exhausted and then give them back to mom and dad. We earn that, I'd never take that away.

Old age would be basically the same, but without the pains and the disabilities. We would revere our old people the way they should be. We would listen to their stories and not correct every thing they say. We would take care of them and realize how lucky we are to still have them around. Then, when it was our time to pass into the next life, what every you believe that to be, it would be peaceful and welcomed. We would know that we lived good lives and be excited to make the next step on our journey. It would still be sad for those we leave behind, but they would know we lived well, laughed hard and loved long.


  1. I don't know why the font size changed, sorry.

  2. This is GREAT! Have you ever thought about being a writer? Seriously...

  3. Unfortunately someone would have to think it was worth paying for for me to make money with it. lol. That would be fun though.