I've thought twice today about posting anything on this blog. I'm not in the happiest mood. It is, however, about things in my life and being a normal human being I'm not always in a good mood. Today is not my best day. I've been sleeping on the couch while Willie has been sick so he can be more comfortable. Our couch is a good one to sleep on as far as couches go. It is nice and deep, and long enough. It is not however, my bed. Between that and hot flashes I have not slept well. I wake up achy all over and I am exhausted. Willie is better finally, I was getting worried. So, tonight it is back to our bed. Maybe tonight I will sleep!
I am having trouble finding a new job. It seems my skills and experience aren't of much use around here. This makes me feel as though I am not of much use. I try not to take it personal. Unemployment around here is even higher than the national average, I tell myself. That doesn't help pay the bills though. I try to fill my days. Today, I rearranged some cupboards in the kitchen.
I went from working thirty-two hours a week, and helping to watch Kahlen when I wasn't working to..... well, nothing. Not only am I pretty much of no use to anyone, I am lonely.
I never thought I'd be one of those empty nesters that couldn't cope with not having the insane business of having kids in the house. I am home with no one to talk to but the dog and the cat most of the time. Almost all of the time. I don't know anyone here in town.
I miss my kids. This is the order of how things are supposed to happen. First you raise your kids. You go insane while doing it, but you get to have so much fun that you only sometimes let it get to you. Then, when they are old enough and ready they are supposed to move out of your house, they are supposed to move on. This is a good thing. It is something to celebrate. It means you did your job right as a parent. You made a fully functioning human being that you can be proud of.
You aren't supposed to be the one leaving them. The way it is supposed to be, they leave one at a time. They probably start out some where close by so you still get to see them some. One or two may move farther away, but there is usually one that stays close by. You are not supposed to be the one uprooted and ripped away from all of them all at once. Especially, when you have gotten to be a huge part of your first grand child's life.
I think about the things I am missing out on. Kahlen, is of course, growing like a weed and changing so much. There are two weddings being planned, and it is hard to help from here. The kids try to keep me involved, they send pictures and text me websites. I feel useless. I'm just not used to not being there.
I don't like doing this cold turkey. I admit it, I am addicted to my kids and grand daughter. My name is Becky and I am a familyaholic. They don't make an empty nesters patch or gum though. They should.
Off to fold laundry.