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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Good Ol' Summertime

I have a love hate relationship with summer. I love the sunshine, the evenings, the green trees and blooming flowers. I do not , however love hot weather. Well, hot and humid weather. With the current state of my hormonal physiology, I am already finding summer a little more than I am ready for.

Short of turning my air conditioner to freezer, I am trying to think of creative ways to cool off. (turning the air conditioner to freezer is too expensive, and would tick off my cat.) Here are a few of my ideas.

1. The kiddie pool. I could fill it with water and even ice cubes depending on the extent of the influences of biology. I have thought about this one a lot. However, sitting outside looking like a beached whale has made this one far from attractive, in more ways than one.

2. The cold shower. More private than the kiddie pool, always a plus. No neighbors offended by the site of a bloated white mass sitting in a much to small vinyl pool. Down side, sooner or later someone else needs to use the bathroom for other purposes. Why he can't just go across the street to Casey's is beyond me, how selfish.

3. Carrying an electric fan everywhere I go. This would be the perfect solution except for the cord, well that and the water and electricity thing. The cord, though is its greatest limiting factor. It never reaches everywhere I like to go. If I want to go into a different room I have to unplug it and bring it with me. This only works so far though. I try and try to take it on a my walks with Bazinga. I put it in a wagon and pull it along behind me. Then it unplugs, eventually, even with 45 extension cords attached. Plus, there is still that whole neighbors thinking I'm crazy thing.

4. Cold towels on the neck. It works for a little while. Then a hot flash comes a long and thick steam rises from the towel, fogging my glasses and frizzing my hair out. I look like my head is in a bowl of dry ice. Not a pretty site, but would work great for Halloween. I have learned, though, if I need to dry a pair of socks, my neck is the perfect place. As long as they are clean socks. It took five days to get that smell out of my hair and nose when I grabbed the wrong pair of socks one day.

5. The frozen underwear. A slumber party favorite. Could preteen girls be smarter then we give them credit for? Could it be they have discovered the secret to living comfortably in the heat of the summer? Have we ignored this ritual unfairly, just because of its origins? I'm starting to think this may be my best last hope. Think of it, a frozen water bra. What could be better? Now that has the possibility of long term cooling abilities. C-cup ice cubes, strategically  placed for maximum cooling effects. Portable, discrete, the perfect personal air conditioning system. How could it go wrong? Oh, yeah, when they melt and spring leaks everywhere like on Will and Grace. I think water spouts from my bra, while standing in line at Dollar General would likely add to the whole lunatic aura.  Children would run in horror crying, "that's the crazy boob lady! Poison acid shoots out of her boobs!" Not the best way to make acquaintances. I wonder if they make water under pants? On second thought that never seems to keep Kahlen any cooler, of course I have never frozen one of her used diapers, never plan to either. Honest. No, really, I don't.

It seems I have come full circle and am back to the same difficulty. I guess for now I will just have to turn the freezer down stairs on its side and make it into my own one room apartment. It's a little cramped, but at least my 20 pound cat won't want to sleep on me.

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