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Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Walminator

Have you ever seen that show on Animal Planet, Chasing Big Foot, or Finding Big Foot, or hunting or something like that. I would like to know one thing, how do I get a job like that? How do I get some TV network to pay me to go "find" something that doesn't exist? I mean, talk about your job security. How can they fire you when you don't find what you are looking for, when what you are looking for is a myth. If they are willing to pay you to look for a myth, then they can't get mad when you never find anything, right? Talk about getting rewarded for failure. I can fail just as quickly and easily as they can, why isn't there someone to pay me for it? 

Maybe I need to create my own mythical creature to find. After all, if I make it up, then no one can tell me that is doesn't exist. Maybe I can get Discovery Channel to pay me to look for it. Let me see, what will my creature be.....

Well, first of all, it will be a creature of discriminating taste. It will only eat in five star restaurants. Therefore, Discovery Channel will have to front all of my meals in all of the finest eateries. My creature will also be very well groomed. He will have nails that grow very quickly and need frequent mani-pedis to keep them at bay. He will need frequent spa treatments to ease his stress levels. I will need to go to these spas myself to try to find him. Since he is a very smart creature, I will, of course, have to endure these same spa treatments to look like a fellow customer, rather than a mighty huntress on the prowl. 

The reason he must be found is that he has a grudge against Walgreens and has threatened damage to their stores. Why, does he hold this grudge? Why does he want to ransack every store he sees? First, they have demeaned him by stealing his color and making their pharmacy techs wear it. At first he was impressed by their choice. After all, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. He is, though, very proud of his grooming. He works very hard to keep the long, midnight blue fur, that covers his body, washed, combed and neatly trimmed. This is very difficult for him, as many spas throw him out in horror until he flashes his wad of inherited greenbacks. When he saw how quickly those midnight blue scrubs became soiled with lint and pill dust it made him sad. 

Second, after seeing on Fox and Friends that women could get pap smears and breast exams at their favorite neighborhood Walgreens, he thought, logically, that he would be able to get his prostate exam their as well. When he went in to the pharmacy counter, with all good intentions, bent over and pulled his pants down, they called the police.  He knew, that when the store manager said again and again, that not only did they NOT do prostate exams, but they do not do breast exams or pap smears either, that he was lying! After all he heard this on FOX AND FRIENDS! They would not lie! They would not mislead or misrepresent the facts to promote their own agenda! How dare the store manager claim to know more about the services offered by his store than Fox and Friends. After all, if it had been a non factual statement, they would have said so. If it was merely a slip of the tongue, and incorrect, they would have made an editorial correction. Right? Of course they would, they are "Fair and Balanced."

Now that you know the depth of the creature's disdain for Walgreens, you can see the urgent need to find him to save Walgreens. If the Discovery Channel will fund it, I will do the dirty work necessary to capture and contain this mighty threat to society!

Do you believe in my midnight blue Walinator? No? Well, fine, I don't believe in Big Foot, or Fox and Friends for that matter. 


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