Saturday, March 12, 2011
I Have a New Mission in Life!
Why? Why, you ask? HOT FRICKEN FLASHES!
I know, I know, you have heard this from me before. But I spend all evening freezing to death on the couch under a blanket. Then, after wasting an unbelievable amount of time online, I find myself ready to go to bed. I go upstairs. I brush my teeth, wash my face. I put on my pajamas, I wear summer pajamas all year long now a days. I get into bed still feeling a little chilly. I climb under the blanket. I snuggle up next to Willie, and close my eyes. 5... 4... 3.... 2... 1....... AAAUUURRRGGGG!!!!!! The blankets come flying off! The cat flees in terror! The dog whines in horror! The sweat starts forming all over my body, the nausea overwhelms me! I lay there in bed holding my stomach waiting for the dreaded hot flash to subside. I feel helpless and anxious. I consider the idea of sleeping in the bathtub, or the refrigerator or better yet the freezer in the basement. Yeah, yeah, thats it, the freezer..... I consider getting up to head down to the basement, and finally it stops. I drift off to sleep.
Ten minutes later....... I am now fricken freezing to death! I wake up shivering. The sweat that covered my body has turned against me. It feels as though it has turned into a layer of ice covering every inch of my skin. I yank the covers back on. Again, causing the cat to flee and the dog to whine. I burrow in next to Willie in a desperate attempt to get warm. Finally, I drift back to sleep.
Twenty minutes later........ Are you KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!! Blankets fly off, cat flees, dog whines...... This pattern repeats at least five more times. Somehow, Willie sleeps through it all. Which I'm glad of, he works hard and needs his sleep. I finally doze off again, this time maybe for a WHOLE HOUR....
5:00 am...... BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! Willie's alarm is going off, and going off, and going off...... Yes, he sleeps through that as well. I consider, for a moment, letting him know his alarm is going off by grabbing him by the hair, ripping his head off and throwing it at the alarm clock!!!! Then I remember his hair is only 1/4 of an inch long, this plan will not succeed. So, I opt for the gentle nudge, he still snores. Perhaps a subtle push off the bed would work better..... I try the gentle nudge again, this time it works, he gets up and turns off the alarm. I drift back to sleep.
Twenty minutes later..... yeah, yeah, you know the drill.
Finally, I get to sleep again. The dog starts scratching at his kennel and whimpering. It's now 7:00 am, he needs to go out. I get up, we go down stairs. It is 29 degrees outside. Do you think I'd get a hot flash NOW? You know, when it would be USEFUL!!! Of course not! We go out, I freeze, he poops. We come back in, yeah, I'm not going back to sleep now.
So, what is my new mission in life? What is the one thing I plan on dedicating my entire life to? I plan on finding out that one element of nature that thought hot flashes were a good idea, hunting it down and destroying it! There must be some (male) fairy, troll, or magical being somewhere that inflicted this upon us women of a certain age that I can dismember. First, I will pull off its stupid little wings, then, then, its little whiskers, one by one by one...... ha ha... hahaha ha ha...... HA HA.... mmmmwhaaa HAHA HA HA!!!!!!
Ok, forgive me, but I must now go to my happy place....