The True Function of the Appendix: A Clinical Study

The appendix has long been maligned as a worthless organ. One that does nothing, and quite often causes more problems than it is worth, and thus removed. It gets infected, then plucked from the body and left in a medical trash heap somewhere for proper disposition. The former owner, goes on with life as if nothing has changed.

I have done extensive research on the appendix. I have read thousands of studies, talked to many eye witnesses, and poured over statistic after statistic. I have come to the conclusion that the appendix has one very important function. A function that only a few renowned scientists know about and that even fewer will speak of out loud. The government has been hiding facts from us. They know exactly what the appendix can do. I am here, as a whistle blower, to tell you the truth.

 The appendix is the source of a toddler's SUPERPOWER! That's right, toddlers have a superpower. All toddlers have it. Inside those little bodies is an appendix that functions fully for one reason and one reason only.

The government has been hiding this fact from us for decades. They discovered the tremendous power of the toddler appendix about the time they started hiding the fact that Area 51 existed. Coincidence? I think not. It is my conclusion that the government is trying to weaponize the power of the toddler appendix, and the aliens are helping them.

So, what is this superpower that toddlers have? What has the government been hiding from us all of these decades? Spending time, manpower and United States treasury to exploit and misuse.

It seems the toddler appendix is a gland that secrets a special substance. This substance is transported by the circulatory system to the hands and finger tips. Somehow, without being seen, this substance shoots from the finger tips. With this ability, it turns out, that toddlers can and will enter any room, any where, and with one wave of the hand, it will become instantly STICKY! The substance is therefore referred to as Instastick.

The toddler superpower has been found to be universal and crosses race, ethnicity and cultural boundaries. All toddlers have this power. A power to which we have no recourse. No matter how quickly you follow a toddler around with a cleaning rag, the entire house will become and remain sticky the entire time the toddler is occupying space in it. As well as three days after.

 I have watched carefully as Willie, bravely tries to defeat the Instastick. Following the toddler carefully, relentlessly, always with damp paper towel in hand. Cleaning, said toddler, quickly and efficiently. Yet, the Instastick always prevails.

It is a cruel opponent. It teases and it sneaks. It finds its way from one side of a room to the other without the aid of the toddler moving in anyway. It is stronger than we are. The Instastick knows our weaknesses, and uses them against us. It turns out that the appendix has its own brain and is highly intelligent, far more than humans. This intelligence is passed on to the Instastick, which it turns out is a living organism, which can survive both with or without oxygen. This gives it the ability to hide in places you don't think to look and then it will stretch out on the floor to catch your sock as you walk across. It climbs up counters and slips under your hand as you go to lean on the same counter. Before you know it, the Instastick is in your hair, on your hands and in your dog's ears. No one and nothing is safe from its viciousness.

Can you imagine what will happen if the government succeeds in its efforts to weaponize it? May the good Lord help us all!