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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Never Say Never

This is not going to be a fun post. It is not going to have photos. It is going to be a whiny post. So, if you aren't up for that I warn you to stop reading now. I'm not going to post this on facebook or twitter. I just need to vent and this is where I am going to do it.

When Willie decided he needed to make a change in his career, I supported him. I knew what he was going through at work and what it was doing to him. I knew he needed out. I got it. When we left Danville the first time I swore to myself I would never step foot in that town again. I guess the old "never say never" is wiser than we think.

When I agreed to come back here, I decided that if I was going to have to live here, I was done with my job. A job that I only liked because of the people I worked with. A job that I had actually found a replacement for, I was going to go back to school bus driving for a district that I had worked for before. My only real promise that I made to myself was that I was not going to work for the same place in Danville. I just wasn't going to do that.

I decided to look at this move as a chance to do something new. Maybe something I had never thought of before. Maybe just something simple, that I could go home from and not have to think about it and dread it. If I had to be torn away from my family, maybe there would be a good reason for it. If I couldn't see my beautiful granddaughter everyday, then something else would be there for me. I looked for the good in it. I trusted God that this was all going to work out for the best. I tried very hard to look on the bright side. It was very hard at times, I got very lonely for my family and very frustrated that I couldn't find a job.

Months went by and still no real job. I tried babysitting for the summer, but didn't make enough money. It was time to face reality. The only place that would hire me, was the one place I promised myself I wouldn't go to. Again, "never say never" punched me in the face and bit me in the ass.

Now, I can't stop feeling angry. I am so angry I just want to get in the car and go back to Des Moines screaming the whole way. I don't get it. I trusted that the one thing I wouldn't have to do is go back there. Now, don't get me wrong I AM NOT angry at Willie. I know this was the right move for him. I do. It was the right thing at the right time. It really was. I am angry at the universe, or God or Willie's old boss, (oh especially at Willie's old boss) or all of them for making this necessary to begin with. I love Willie, I want the best for him. But I want what is good for me too. Is that wrong? Is that just being selfish? I don't want to feel like this any more. If I have to be so far away from the people I cherish, all I want is a job I don't despise. Is that too much to ask?

I don't want to be angry any more. I want to trust that God really does have a plan for me and that he really is going to work this out. I want to trust, but right now, the anger makes it very hard.

Please, forgive my ranting, I just had to let it out somewhere.


  1. rant all you want, i completely get this!! in fact i had just written a post where i wanted to link to one of your older posts when i found this, about the feeling that "the truth is out there", i so relate. this simply can't be neither right nor "all there is" in life, there is something good "out there", there REALLY REALLY is!!!

  2. Aww Becky...this post makes me mad FOR you! I hate that you have to work in an awful place that you hate. I wish there was some sort of transport device so you could travel back to Des Moines for work in 5 minutes (someone should invent that). I hope that everything will work out and I DO have faith that it will. I'll be praying for resolution to this situation for you!

    Big hugs!!!

  3. Thanks Reanna and Pia, I am trying very hard to keep believing, have support from others really helps!