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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Never Say Never

This is not going to be a fun post. It is not going to have photos. It is going to be a whiny post. So, if you aren't up for that I warn you to stop reading now. I'm not going to post this on facebook or twitter. I just need to vent and this is where I am going to do it.

When Willie decided he needed to make a change in his career, I supported him. I knew what he was going through at work and what it was doing to him. I knew he needed out. I got it. When we left Danville the first time I swore to myself I would never step foot in that town again. I guess the old "never say never" is wiser than we think.

When I agreed to come back here, I decided that if I was going to have to live here, I was done with my job. A job that I only liked because of the people I worked with. A job that I had actually found a replacement for, I was going to go back to school bus driving for a district that I had worked for before. My only real promise that I made to myself was that I was not going to work for the same place in Danville. I just wasn't going to do that.

I decided to look at this move as a chance to do something new. Maybe something I had never thought of before. Maybe just something simple, that I could go home from and not have to think about it and dread it. If I had to be torn away from my family, maybe there would be a good reason for it. If I couldn't see my beautiful granddaughter everyday, then something else would be there for me. I looked for the good in it. I trusted God that this was all going to work out for the best. I tried very hard to look on the bright side. It was very hard at times, I got very lonely for my family and very frustrated that I couldn't find a job.

Months went by and still no real job. I tried babysitting for the summer, but didn't make enough money. It was time to face reality. The only place that would hire me, was the one place I promised myself I wouldn't go to. Again, "never say never" punched me in the face and bit me in the ass.

Now, I can't stop feeling angry. I am so angry I just want to get in the car and go back to Des Moines screaming the whole way. I don't get it. I trusted that the one thing I wouldn't have to do is go back there. Now, don't get me wrong I AM NOT angry at Willie. I know this was the right move for him. I do. It was the right thing at the right time. It really was. I am angry at the universe, or God or Willie's old boss, (oh especially at Willie's old boss) or all of them for making this necessary to begin with. I love Willie, I want the best for him. But I want what is good for me too. Is that wrong? Is that just being selfish? I don't want to feel like this any more. If I have to be so far away from the people I cherish, all I want is a job I don't despise. Is that too much to ask?

I don't want to be angry any more. I want to trust that God really does have a plan for me and that he really is going to work this out. I want to trust, but right now, the anger makes it very hard.

Please, forgive my ranting, I just had to let it out somewhere.




3 comments:

  1. rant all you want, i completely get this!! in fact i had just written a post where i wanted to link to one of your older posts when i found this, about the feeling that "the truth is out there", i so relate. this simply can't be neither right nor "all there is" in life, there is something good "out there", there REALLY REALLY is!!!

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  2. Aww Becky...this post makes me mad FOR you! I hate that you have to work in an awful place that you hate. I wish there was some sort of transport device so you could travel back to Des Moines for work in 5 minutes (someone should invent that). I hope that everything will work out and I DO have faith that it will. I'll be praying for resolution to this situation for you!

    Big hugs!!!

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  3. Thanks Reanna and Pia, I am trying very hard to keep believing, have support from others really helps!

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